It's not just in fairy tales! Let me start by saying that I am by no means perfect...nor am I claiming to have it all figured out...far from it! But many of us go around searching for our "happily ever after", not realizing that it's been in front of us the whole time, but it is up to us to invest in it and create grounds for it to grow and truly become the fairy tale.
Let's face it...people snore, fart, burp, have bad morning breath, stink after exercise and much, much more. Furthermore, people have character traits that often lay dormant until a situation comes along that awakens the sleeping giant within. Being married, not pretending to be by living together, I mean truly married requires you to first look within yourself and evaluate who you are and what you have to offer someone else. Then it requires you to accept everything the other person is AND is not. Today at church, the message was entitled "Have-Nots", which is part of a 4-part series on Marriage...one more reason why I love our church! Now before you go thinking, "Oh Man...here she goes on a religious rampage..." and stop reading, I am here to tell you ONE: I don't care if my "religious rampages" offend you...at least it's provoking some thought in you about it, and TWO: If you truly have everything figured out then, yes, stop reading and let me know so I can notify Wikipedia, Brittancia and Google that they are no longer necessary.
It was not so much a revelation for me today, but rather a realization of common sense, when one amazing point delivered is that the foundation of a great marriage is built before the marriage even begins....even before the dating begins! Whatever one is devoted to becomes the foundation for what your marriage will be founded on as well. Whether it's a career, money, socializing, education....whatever...it won't change magically when you get married! Now, the encouragement offered, which I support, is that before getting married you should be doing as the apostle Paul suggests in I Corinthians 7, and be first undeniably devoted to God and fostering a relationship with him. Once that is established and cultivated, the "attributes" for (or requirements for some...) your lucky betrothed-to-be become very clear and God then leads your search for your one and only.
Commonly, people fall into the trap of thinking that once they're married than "this" will be better or "that" won't be as bad. WHAT?! Are you out of your ever-lovin' mind? Things don't change just because you wore a pretty dress or got down on one knee to cough up two months worth of salary. People ARE who they ARE. Believing that that person will be able to be your "happily ever after" is an expectation doomed for failure. When you take a long, hard look at what your life was like prior to marriage...be aware that it's not going to be much different once your married. In fact, marriage is not designed to make things better....it only ramps up what is already there...good OR bad. Marriage gives you MORE of what you already have....good OR bad. (This applies to having a baby too. Process that for a minute.) Not every marriage is doomed to fail if this isn't the case....but honestly...your chances of being successfully married 20 years from now drastically improve if your focus and devotion prior to marriage is not all about you. True, sacrificial love means putting your own needs, desires and plans BEHIND your spouse's. One caveat to that is...true love usually means that your needs, desires and plans usually include your spouse in some way, or match up at some level with theirs.
If you think about it, it's all about what you're looking for. C'mon ladies, let's be truly honest here....women know how to get what they want, and we know where to go to get it! Manipulation through clothing, actions and words ultimately reels in exactly what you're fishing for. I believe a lady can dress with tact and a bit of sexy and not compromise who she is....but the motivations behind it are what's questionable. Every fisherman knows what kind of bait to use to draw in the catch, but as a result, ask yourself are they worth being caught? Ladies, a man's greatest need is to be respected. If you can't foster words, actions, love and friendship that shows respect for him (even when he is going of the deep end in his tighty-whities, black knee socks, and wife beater with stains at 60 years old)...then you have NO business asking him to share your world. If you truly don't have your "crap" together, and you know if you do or not, then the person who doesn't want to marry you because of it is EXACTLY who you want. Think about that.
Men....you're not off the hook. A very wise person said, "You have to be the person you're looking for is looking for." How true, right?! So simple, so true. A woman's greatest need is to be loved...if you can't love every single thing about her....then you have absolutely NO business bringing her into your world. Bodies change with age, makeup smudges and wears off, and stretch marks are like tiger stripes...they just add more character! If you don't believe me....go look up child birth on You Tube. If you can't deal with who she is all around BEFORE you get married and who she may grow into later...it ain't gonna get better...only worse!
Listen....like I said, I am NOT saying I've got this all figured out or that I am perfect by ANY means. Actually, I am still learning something new about marriage every single day. I have let my husband down more times than I can count and I've hurt him in ways deeper than anyone could, but the reason we celebrated 10 years of marriage this year is because we have a relationship with God first, and secondly, we make our marriage and it's success a priority. We've not always done that...and that's when things start feeling "out of balance"....awareness and communication are crucial to balancing the scales once again. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, sometimes a few weeks, sometimes years...the point is....are you each aware of it and are you adding weight to the same side of the scale to balance it out?
Lastly, the greatest realization I took away today is this: happily ever after is not about finding the "right" person, its' about becoming the "right" person. It takes a hard, honest look into your own heart first and foremost to determine if becoming the "right" person is more important to you than your right to be right all of the time, desperate cries for attention, or anything else that makes you hesitate to answer that question at all. If it's not...maybe take some time to self-eval and get your proverbial "poop in a group" before jumping into marriage. If it is...then happy trails to you!
